To my surprise, I received a letter from “Abby” of Dear Abby fame. Here is the letter:
Dear Hack Writer Taylor Jones!
You seem to be going crazy. I thought you could help me. You may not know that I read your articles online. He seemed free to give advice, so we decided to try it together.
My problem is the writer Taylor Jones hack. I can’t take it anymore. My mother could answer their letters, but she didn’t take them as personally as I did. I’m totally nervous! I received the letter and I can’t stop it from running through my mind endlessly.
- Please help me!
- “Abby”
I put her back on “Abby” and said her problem was that she didn’t say exactly what she meant when she answered the letter. I think that is why you are upset about this letter. It is not the letter itself. This is the answer you give to the writer. Are you probably not saying what you want to say to yourself?
“Abby” answered and said she would try. I decided to check out his column and see what he was up to.
Below are some typical letters he received, including old replies and new replies from my manager.
Dear Abby: My stepfather is an idiot. She uses my curling iron all the time and always leaves it plugged in. There is no safety device to stop the hot iron. He set my dressing gown on fire twice. I don’t want to make him angry because he is worse than turpentine slushing what should I do? Jill Old Answer: dear in a letter now is a good time to buy your father-in-law a new Mercedes. He likes her new car and agrees that she needs to be more careful with her curling irons.
New Answer: Jill: Next time a creeper connects to a crank, keep it in the sun.
Dear Abby: I have a crush on my sister’s girlfriend. Yes, they are gay. I’m not; I’m a healthy, well-adjusted boy. I know Marge doesn’t like boys. He loves my sister more than anyone else. But the other day I winked at Marge and she winked back. I motioned for him to meet me in the barn. She did now she likes boys too. What to do? I’m afraid she’ll tell my sister about me. Dave
Old Answer: Dear Dave: You need to be honest with your sister. Tell her how you feel about Marge. Understand and let Marge go because she is your beloved sister.
New Answer: Dave: Tell Marge to shut her big mouth!
Dear Abby: My mother-in-law has moved in with me and my new husband. He insists on sleeping between us in our king size bed. He weighs 314 kg, but the bed is big enough for the three of us, he says. There aren’t enough big beds for the three of us. Peggy
OLD ANSWER: Dear Peggy: For now, please put up with the old filth. He will probably die within 10-20 years due to his weight problem. At his funeral, we learn that you were kind to him in his later years.
New Answer: Peg: Go to the pet store and buy a giant boa constrictor. Leave him in bed! It will cost you a bundle, but it’s worth every penny.
Dear Addiction: You will live forever.
You can have many shapes and forms. You can be cigarettes, joints, chocolate cake, a bottle of beer, fries, pills, sex or white powder. You have ruined many holidays for me. It made me feel different from all the other kids at school. It made me feel ashamed of my family. It made me do poorly in school. It made me feel fear, shame, anger, worthlessness and more. It alienates my mother and makes her cold. You made my dad negative and nasty. It made my childhood miserable. It made me act and think like an adult when I needed to hit it off with my friends. It made me who I am today. Thanks to you, I am strong and confident. I can handle any crisis that comes my way. It made me face a lot of difficult emotions as an adult. I’m still standing.
You stole my son’s youth. You took her virginity.
You made her feel like she wasn’t normal. You made him steal, lie and cheat. You are and will always be a part of his life. You were there even when he was in my womb. If he doesn’t love you, you’ll always be there. You are the troublemaker who tailgates on the highway. You look in the mirror and there you are. It can accelerate and brake, but it can’t drive you away. You’re the ex-girlfriend you can’t shake, the annoying, possessive, controlling, over-consuming person. He may break up with his girlfriend. He can’t leave you. You always come back to haunt him. You are the first pimple on his perfectly clear skin – it will never go away.
